"Poison Princess" by Kresley Cole

HOLY BANANAS!!!

(Hmm, maybe I'll start this differently.  Wait a minute, nope.  Never mind.  I choose to leave that there.)

Okay that's it!

Would you hate me if "HOLY BANANAS!!!" was my review and that was it?  Because it is.

I'm joking!

I just can't seem to find the words to begin this review.

"Poison Princess" by Kresley Cole is the first in her Arcana Chronicles series, with four books and a novella published and a fifth book on the way next year.  Published in 2012, I have waited FOUR YEARS to finally read this (my TBR pile is immense and I don't even know where to begin so I just Jenga it and pull at it randomly and pray that it doesn't topple over on my cats.  It won't, they're on bookshelves, but still).

After finishing it I had some questions, some answers, and a new fandom to jump into ::screaming like a crazy fangril with the book in my hand as I run towards the fandom::

I guess let's begin with a quick summary of what I think about this book **SPOILER FREE** ::cough cough:: go read the book before you continue ::cough cough::

In my opinion, this book was excellent.

There.

Again, TOTALLY kidding.

The book was original in it's dystopian telling, which is rare among the dystopian novels out there because they literally sound the same sometimes.  Trust me.  And the characters kept secrets which had me wanting to know more, along the way you pick up more characters with more secrets and then you're like GIVE ME MOREEEEE but they don't.  They want you to wait.  And it's a total bummer but it's worth it.  You may want to smack the main character Evie.  I know this, because I was one of those people.  But it's okay.  It get's better.  I PROMISE.  But if you want something cool with amazing writing set in this crazy cool world, then PLEASE GO AND READ THIS ALREADY!!!

(For the purpose of a more rounded summary, this is the actual dust jacket paneling:

She could save the world—or destroy it.

Sixteen-year-old Evangeline "Evie" Greene leads a charmed life, until she begins experiencing horrifying hallucinations. When an apocalyptic event decimates her Louisiana hometown, Evie realizes her hallucinations were actually visions of the future—and they're still happening. Fighting for her life and desperate for answers, she must turn to her wrong-side-of-the-bayou classmate: Jack Deveaux.

But she can't do either alone.

With his mile-long rap sheet, wicked grin, and bad attitude, Jack is like no boy Evie has ever known. Even though he once scorned her and everything she represented, he agrees to protect Evie on her quest. She knows she can't totally depend on Jack. If he ever cast that wicked grin her way, could she possibly resist him?

Who can Evie trust?

As Jack and Evie race to find the source of her visions, they meet others who have gotten the same call. An ancient prophesy is being played out, and Evie is not the only one with special powers. A group of twenty-two teens has been chosen to reenact the ultimate battle between good and evil. But it's not always clear who is on which side.)

_______________________________________________________________

Okay so check this out: below this line, this review will be FILLED WITH SPOILERS so please go and read and then come back!!! 

Or don't.  I won't tell you how to live your life.  But you'll ruin this great book.

"But Laura, I really want to know what happens..."

Go.  Read.  This.  Book.

Seriously.

Okay!

So, the summary of the book is simple: a girl discovers that her craziness isn't really delusions at all but actually visions of the future impending destruction of the world.  And she can control plants.  Seriously.  Like Poison Ivy but a little more whiney.  But cooler.  Seventeen year old Evangeline is actually the Empress, a card in the major arcana of the tarot decks, and the end of the world is just the beginning of the battle between the cards.

Like I said: holy bananas.

Evangeline and her mother escape "the Flash," the bright light that burns everyone and their houses and kills off water.  But it's totally believable that they survive.  In their cellar.  I'll write that off as hopeful thinking but anyways, as the world worsens - especially in her hometown in Louisiana - Evie discovers that she can use her blood to make plants grow again.  Along with the help of hottie Cajun Jackson Deveaux, Evie needs to travel to her Gran's house in North Carolina to learn who/what she is and what she needs to do to stop the visions and find some answers.

Of course, nothing is simple.  It's a dystopian novel, there needs to be some crazy things going on, like the Bagmen - zombies that flock to water and drink blood from the necks of their victims - and slavers, an army of crazy men (did I mention that all the women in the world are pretty much gone and so they are sought out for as prizes?  No?  Oh, well I'm mentioning it now and there.  You can't yell at me.) and cannibals.  Cannibals?  Yes.  Although we don't see them in this book they are mentioned which means next book we'll see them.  Probably.

As they continue on their journey they run into the first Arcana person - besides our little Empress - which is the Moon, also known as slutty slut McGee.  I mean Selena Lua, the Lara Croft wannabe.  (Can you tell I hate her?  I don't.  I just wish she'd walk off a cliff blindfolded.  Into a ravine with sharp rocks.)  As she begins to wedge herself in-between the Jack (Jackson) and Evie - "the Bringer of Doubt" indeed - Evie begins to wage a war inside herself, deciding that she needs to go and save this boy she's been having visions of (Matthew: the Fool card) and try and not focus on the love that Selena has for Jack and question whether he has love for Selena back.

However, this is where things start to hit the fan.  HARD.  Matthew and Evie are captured by militia men who happen to have Finneas a.k.a Finn, the Magician card, captive.  This is where things get interesting as they are escaping and Evie (FINALLY) uses her powers.  Sort of.  Okay, so I admit, I wanted to slap her, shake her around, and yell into her ear "YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS YOU DUMB GIRL JUST KILL THEM ALREADY" but alas, my voice went unheard, and the next thing you know they sit in a room with Jack outside keeping watch, talking about who they are and what they can do without the non-arcana guy overhearing.

After a particularly nasty fight - and the realization that SURPRISE! this crazy, homicidal red witch that Evie has been dreaming about is actually a past version of the Empress - she runs away (having *supposedly* witnessed Selena and Jack making out) and ends up in Tennessee at this serial killer's house - who also happens to be Arthur, the Hermit card - and then she gives in to her powers just as he's about to chain her up.  She kills him, horribly, but relishes in her power, and Jack makes the sign of the cross because he is scared of her - of COURSE he is, he's a normy and she's arcana - and then, for the first time in months, IT RAINS.  THE END.  AND GUESS WHAT, I ALREADY BOUGHT THE NEXT BOOK BECUASE I HAVE A GREAT NEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDD TO READ ON!!!!!

Okay, whew.  That's a whole lot of story.

1) Story: five stars.  Reason?  I couldn't put it down.  The story had me hooked from page one all the way through to the end.  So definitely go pick this up if you want a cool story about teens who are born as tarot cards.  Kind of.  Okay, that's a bad description but you get the gist.

The characters themselves are okay.  Like I loved Evie in the end, but during the book I wanted to throttle her and slap some sense into this girl.  LIKE COME ON!!!

Her mother, her "perfect" (jock) boyfriend, and Mel are the people in her life BF (also known as Before Flash) who kept her life together along with a couple of minor characters that literally get one liners in this book.  Like that's it.  But once the destruction happens they all die.  Except her mom.  Who dies later on from an internal injury.  Totally messed, right?

I couldn't stand Selena.  But I'm like 99999999999999% sure she's bad anyways.  And that she'll die.  Painfully.  In another book.  Unfortunately she survived book one so boo.  But honestly I couldn't stand her because she was literally Miss I'm-so-perfect-just-look-at-my-legs-and-hair-and-butt-and-I-can-do-cool-things but like honestly, she can shoot a boy really fast.  Like super fast.  (Okay Hawkeye, you're not the leader of the Avengers.  Just chill.)  But to compliment her we have Matthew, the Fool, the cute, adorable, sad, autistic (I don't really think he is, I just think his visions of the future had cause him to lose touch with reality and that's why they thought he was) boy who helps Evie out through visions that cause nosebleeds.

I wanted to hug him.  Evie did.  Ten points to Evie!

Jack I wanted to punch.  But then again, he is the male, non-arcana equivalent to Selena.  Yet he is the love interest.  UGH.  I don't know though, the Cajun is really hot.  Like his accent and the way he speaks French.  And his looks.  Definitely his looks.  But he's such a jerk!!

Okay, I digress.  The characters work together (I won't bother with the crude Finn or the psycho Arthur because they didn't really have a lot of page time, but they weren't bad when it came to the book as a whole) and have things to offer one another that I appreciated, but to be honest I was a little mad at how PATHETIC Evie was for like 90% of the book.  I kept hoping and hoping and then when the change happened I was like HOLY BANANAS (again, this is my phrase for this book because I can't describe it any other way) and became 110% team Evie.  Like "You Go GIRL!!!!!!!" ::cheerleading on the side as she rips people in half:: "GIVE ME AN 'E'!!!"

(off in the distance: "E!!!")

No but seriously:

2) The Characters really do make the book.  Did I care enough about the characters to find out what happens to them?  Yes.  Did I want to punt them across the room more than half the time?  Yes.  So unfortunately, I have to give this: four stars (I'll take one out because Evie seriously whines wayyyyy too much in the beginning, but when she becomes badass, she really is totally, 100000% badass).

Okay, the Flash was like the coolest way the world could go.  Along with the rising of the Arcana, and Death as a major villain we will (AMAZINGLY) witness fight Evie in a later book, the ENTIRE WORLD IS JUST INTENSE.  Like no water?  No animals (not really)?  No plants?  NO TECHNOLOGY?!?!?!  I probably would've been one of the morons to look at the Aurora Borealis and be like "OOOOOHHHHHH SHINYYYYY" and then be burned into a pile of ash.

I couldn't get enough of the world and how insane everybody is.  ("But what if someone nice is still out there?" No, shut your mouth Evie.  You're the only "good person" alive.  "But..."  No.  Shut up.)

3) World: five stars.  For the idea, the execution, the consistency, the different aspects, and the truth in the sense that if there really was an apocalypse then the survivors would have to deal with a lot of what they actually deal with.  SEVEN MONTHS LATER.  Like I couldn't imagine lasting a month, let alone SEVEN of them.

4) The writing really is beautiful.

"The witch tapped her chin with a thorn claw, reminding herself that it was not yet her time for her encounter with Death.  She turned her attention to the sailors, the last remaining survivors of the village she had plagued with spores and a tempest of thorns.

"Now the sailors grew bolder, more boisterous.  They mocked her, lewdly exposing their genitals.

"Death's glittering eyes were locked on her face, ever watchful of his foe.

"He would enjoy a show indeed.

"'Though it's not my way... if they shan't come to me, I must go to them.'  She strode purposely down the beach.  At the sea's edge she didn't slow, simply stepped upon the surface, blithely walking on water."

Well??  Not enough?  What about the fact that she CALLS THE PLANTS IN THE OCEAN TO HELP HER WALK ON WATER OR THE FACT THAT SHE USES THE PLANTS (again, the ones in the ocean) LIKE FREAKING TENTACLES SHORTLY AFTER THIS SO THAT THEY CAN CRUSH SHIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again, I'm ranting, but i have to give this five stars because of the language she uses to describe EVERYTHING.  It's beautiful, imagery heavy, and has a tendency to capture everything in that scene perfectly.

5) Originality wise, five freaking stars.  Are you surprised?  Because I was, especially since the book starts in another perspective: Arthur's.  The book begins at the end, where Evie walks into Arthur's house and drinks hot chocolate laced with poison so that he can drug her and experiment on her.  Like the three girls/women locked in the basement already.  You come back to him twice more before it goes back to her perspective and she STUNS you with this revelation that she needs to embrace her arcana, become the Empress.

Between that and the complete inclusion of the tarot cards, this book was so original that I didn't mind reading a dystopian novel.

All in all, twenty-four out of twenty-five stars is not bad at all!!!!  That's still an A on a paper, so in my book that's amazing!!

(Just for good measures I'll throw it in once more)  HOLY BANANAS!!!

I hope you enjoyed my review of "Poison Princess".  The next book I'm reading is "Undertow" by Michael Buckley, and I look forward to reviewing it as well!